tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30968585233536033912024-03-05T07:14:56.197-08:00Rainbow After the StormJust some thoughts on life and just trying to make sense of everything in it.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-8793647026644666252013-08-30T12:29:00.001-07:002013-08-30T12:29:41.615-07:00Girl Truly In Love<p style="border: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; "><span style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 1rem; font-style: inherit; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">A girl who really loves and cares about you will stick with you no matter</span></p><div><span style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; "><div style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 1rem; line-height: 1.714285714; "><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: 1rem; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.714285714; "><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">When I say “no matter what”, I mean “no matter what”</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">No matter how bad things get; she will stick with you until</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">things are good again.</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">No matter how much you guys argue, she will stick with you</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">until you guys work things out. No matter how much you</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">ignore her, she will stick with you until she has your attention</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">again. No matter how mad she is at you, she will stick with</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">you until she’s over it. No matter how much you hurt her, she</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">will stick with you until she’s able to forgive you. No matter</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">how much you push her away, she’ll stick with you until you</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">guys are close again. No matter how much you lie to her,</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">she’ll stick with you until she tries to trust you one more time.</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">She will not leave you no matter there are some external</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">factors trying to pull you apart. She’ll do whatever it takes for</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">both of you to last forever. Such girls are very rare to find. If</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">you happen to meet one, never let her go and if you’re having</div><div style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; line-height: 20px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); ">one, then handle her with extra care or she may wake up and realize she deserves the same love back and she will be gone. </div><div><br></div></span></div></span></div>Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-27894291910865074062013-08-15T09:38:00.001-07:002013-08-15T09:38:41.910-07:00Quotes of my lifeSo this is the second post I've done in two days. Just I realized writing things our helps more than anything. Some quotes I've found lately that really describe my feelings and help a little lately are: <div><br></div><div>"Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't make time for you. If they truly love you, they'll find a way. Not an excuse." I know sometimes lives get busy. I have worked and took care of my mom and also went to college. But I was with my ex then. I still made time for him. I text him in class, emailed him in class and text him at work. Also on my day off spent the day with him after studying some. But it's sad some can't do the same. If a man/woman cannot make time for you then it means they don't really want or love you. That even means visiting you. Someone sent me a song about when a man truly loves a woman NOTHING will stop him from being with her and seeing her. I believed that. But when things happened otherwise I was shown I didn't mean much at all. </div><div><br></div><div>"Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together." - not sure if I believe this. I would like to. I'm a hopeless romantic. I want to believe in things happening for a reason and in soul mates. That if two people are meant to be together they will be. But sadly in losing faith on this.</div><div><br></div><div>"It's hard to move on, when memories are pulling you back." This is really hard and true. I remember the good times and why I fell in love. During my darkest times, he gave me something to smile about. I hate change. All I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were or me be in the same place as he was.</div><div><br></div><div>One of the hardest parts in life is deciding whether to walk away, or try harder. Try harder at being a better person. But I don't see the point if he isn't in love also. My mom used to always tell me never chase a man. Let them chase you. And never ever try to make one love you. I deserve better than that. </div><div><br></div><div>But I know one thing, this all makes me not want to care about anyone ever again. All it seems to do I bring pain.</div><div><br></div><div> Cheating on a girl is deeper than people realize. It destroys her outlook on love, her future relationships & peace within herself. I can't find peace right now. Especially when I still can't get the truth. Makes me feel horrible about myself. </div><div><br></div><div>When we first met, I had no idea you’d become this important to me. And I don't want to have someone this important to me when I'm not that important back.</div><div><br></div><div>Go for someone who is not only proud to have you. but will also risk anything just to keep you..</div><div><br></div><div>Maybe one day I will have that..</div><div><br></div><div>Until then, I wished I still didn't love him as much as I still do. Cause I know he doesn't feel the same about me. </div><div><br></div>Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-20127595005256159502013-08-15T06:26:00.001-07:002013-08-15T06:27:02.436-07:00Loss and life So my mother passed away a month ago. I knew it was coming, I watched her decline. But knowing doesn't help when it's time for them to go. She was my best friend. The only one I thought I could count on. No matter what she was there and listened. Now I feel all alone. The other few real friends I have live out of town from me. I only have one good friend here but she is married and has 3 kids so we rarely get to talk or hang out. I miss my mom everyday. I miss how I could just talk to her and has just listened. But I'm afraid to lose people, so I have this problem where I close myself off. I still haven't gotten over my letting down my walls. It's actually made me into a cold person. Deep down though I feel love so deeply and just want to show it but fear it will be turned against me. <div><br></div><div>So keeping up my walls I hurt the one person who meant more to me than anything in my life. Us not being together so soon got to me. I hate that I hurt him so bad. I know I'm a good person but in the last two years things have made me cold. I can't force him to forgive me or show I can open up if given the chance. So how do I let go? How do you let go when you still love the person with all you have and want back what you had? I am truly sorry. He is my life, my everything. I wish I could make him smile and be happy and feel better. I believed outside sources. Lost faith. I just want to be happy again. I am tired of being in the dark. I want light in my life and have a purpose again. And to be loved too like I love. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtTPO8FRmMexnDIScBZCh8i33CS9OBPmSsVRCyk5eNVxIBc3-Ycc-yC6BXSHDaq0jROMlviVb7ZT6TCKe4e5Y1bK81WVWN-9XoNqm5coHalqORl_mV8bJoDVPF9HZgSpu-__wC95_hI8E/s640/blogger-image--529927802.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtTPO8FRmMexnDIScBZCh8i33CS9OBPmSsVRCyk5eNVxIBc3-Ycc-yC6BXSHDaq0jROMlviVb7ZT6TCKe4e5Y1bK81WVWN-9XoNqm5coHalqORl_mV8bJoDVPF9HZgSpu-__wC95_hI8E/s640/blogger-image--529927802.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6bAXimJEUgiPDCk8xK1rEEpTrmupwNgie5mA1LsQ8uF4zBbPFKmLlzBiSdU1Y8QOaTnzbD9460dIgyTNwUHm6REJH-7gAjPVsy6LnoT_FIMAfnVrsv29qVUyxN40_VfJsBXCcN8ysC1I/s640/blogger-image--765168019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6bAXimJEUgiPDCk8xK1rEEpTrmupwNgie5mA1LsQ8uF4zBbPFKmLlzBiSdU1Y8QOaTnzbD9460dIgyTNwUHm6REJH-7gAjPVsy6LnoT_FIMAfnVrsv29qVUyxN40_VfJsBXCcN8ysC1I/s640/blogger-image--765168019.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlr6ifKivVzSsitp3kKzbVUViWW6zpq8xlKUDBA4ngUMy-KJyCbNk4DOTS98ly_YpOnrUC5wSKO2Hkm2negdSowGfEPNPp24XUuy2FSnbfDOz04Qv5x5p9EoqtRhTGRt6Lf8N1NRkT0No/s640/blogger-image-1287007602.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlr6ifKivVzSsitp3kKzbVUViWW6zpq8xlKUDBA4ngUMy-KJyCbNk4DOTS98ly_YpOnrUC5wSKO2Hkm2negdSowGfEPNPp24XUuy2FSnbfDOz04Qv5x5p9EoqtRhTGRt6Lf8N1NRkT0No/s640/blogger-image-1287007602.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>I want the pain to stop. I want to stop crying so much. I want to prove I am a loving, good person. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirQ9ADhnTfwPHAIxz-NbIbUSIQRe6yKmqTpPaGEbTr45GAvUsCBwnUNSuuNTvxnVucg2M6axcDnWcaOjTsCADnl7AMO6tYgLnLExWV3gp6sNz9u0Y_h916bfSgOyTnFRwM7MAdpUitZvw/s640/blogger-image--1546932336.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirQ9ADhnTfwPHAIxz-NbIbUSIQRe6yKmqTpPaGEbTr45GAvUsCBwnUNSuuNTvxnVucg2M6axcDnWcaOjTsCADnl7AMO6tYgLnLExWV3gp6sNz9u0Y_h916bfSgOyTnFRwM7MAdpUitZvw/s640/blogger-image--1546932336.jpg"></a></div><br></div>That's what I want. I want the truth no matter how much it may hurt. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAhtZaOIcCgjvS1VKnJueOQTM-EDD5ndHOp8BMC9EpW57dqXa5WVgLZ_O9naUppKPK9ApLdV-xgQOspc080ldMmRVk67WVgyuZ-vyUKhRjWB-XvOc-mGhzXw_oqdO8qx7YkMgBsEFBbw/s640/blogger-image--975107894.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAhtZaOIcCgjvS1VKnJueOQTM-EDD5ndHOp8BMC9EpW57dqXa5WVgLZ_O9naUppKPK9ApLdV-xgQOspc080ldMmRVk67WVgyuZ-vyUKhRjWB-XvOc-mGhzXw_oqdO8qx7YkMgBsEFBbw/s640/blogger-image--975107894.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-11461993236906638532013-02-06T19:05:00.000-08:002013-02-06T19:05:19.041-08:00Pain, Heart Break and Disappointment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I honestly believe this quote. Lately I have been going through some major heartbreak right now. It's at a point where I feel like just giving up on everything. I know I'm not perfect but thing is I hate for people to break a swear to me. I'm the type of person who if you make a swear to me DO NOT break it, or I really don't get over it. And I'm surprised at myself for giving over 2 chances for hurting me. I guess this isn't making any sense. I'm just trying to process some pain right now. My exes have hurt me really bad, emotional and physical abuse. I have walls like iron up around me and it feels like right when I let them down a little, something happens and they come right back up. So it's easier for me to just be cold even if I want to be loving.</div>
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This seems to be how it is with me. Lately the one person who I wanted to keep his swear more than anything just couldn't. I trusted him not to break it, it was one of the hardest things for me to do since I don't trust easy. And everyone now is telling me there is no way he will keep a swear again and he will keep hurting me next time something else comes up. </div>
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I'm the type and believe if you really truly love someone there is no way you could rip them apart like that. I want to move on and get over it but it's soo hard. </div>
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Three days later and I still hurt and for a day all I did was stay curled up in a ball crying holding something I wanted to bring me some kind of comfort. And then anger sat in. Because I thought why am I doing this when he's probably not this devastated. He's not broken and hurting like you are and can go on with his life. I then wonder why does it seem I always cause people to hurt me?</div>
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I mean if every person I love hurts me isn't it my fault? Must mean I'm not <span style="background-color: yellow;">such a great </span> person. I honestly don't like breaking people. When I love I actually do love with my whole heart but</div>
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I don't know how to fully trust. I have to protect my heart somehow. I feel like I cannot let anyone in fully because I literally cannot handle the pain when they hurt me. </div>
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I have been physically hurt before and I have to say emotional is soo much worse than being hit by a hand or fist. And being sexually assaulted hurt like I cannot explain but it is still nothing like the pain of being hurt by someone who means the world to you. And the way I am, just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't work with me. I have to actually SEE how sorry the person is. I just can't say "OK I forgive you" and move on. I don't think when you have been hurt that bad anyone should be able to just do that, it's not right to even think a person can. I've read blogs where wives have even said if their husband hurts them and apologizes then they just forgive them because they aren't perfect. It's true no one is perfect but the thing about making mistakes is learning from them. I admit I can be bossy and disrespectful but how I change from being disrespectful is my man being the opposite of how I'm acting and treat me with more respect then I feel bad and want to treat him better. It's still a wall thing and that's why I act like that. </div>
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Although I feel like anyone can look at me and see my broken heart. But funny thing is the person who did it is probably the ONLY one who can heal it. I know I should probably walk away and I feel like I'm stupid for wanting to work things out. I want to trust that it will never happen again but how when I'm afraid? Right now I feel like</div>
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I made a mistake of depending too much. I hate depending on people. Someone said you can never 100% depend on anyone in your life, I really now believe that. I do think though my mother is the only one I can truly depend on even though she and I have had our issues. </div>
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I still have scars on my heart from my past relationships. I do believe they will never fully heal. I don't know if a person can heal your heart for you fully either. I am a romantic and I believe in true love and soul mates and that surprises me that I still do. Although I do want </div>
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Have to say he is trying and somehow he still spoils me after he's hurt me and has been now trying to show me he is sorry. But how do I get over my fear? Fear has NO place in a relationship and I know he didn't mean for that to happen. And I want to say I HATE the Army right now for stressing both of us out and making him over work with him having back issues. Maybe that's for another time and rant. But I do know I still love him and I just want both of us to be happy and me not to ever be hurt again. So the thing is do I stay and take one more risk with my already torn heart and hope he can fix it or do I let it hurt one more time and leave for good? A tongue can literally break the strongest organ in your body (your heart) more than a fist or hand or a weapon can. So I say please be careful with someone you really love. he use to tell me when I hurt and cried it literally killed him inside I hope that is true. And I hope that I will never feel this pain again. </div>
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I never wanna feel like that again. Because when I make someone my everything I really wanna know I'm their everything also. So yes I still love you and I wanna forget what happened and not remember those words that cut me SO very deep and how I felt like nothing to you. </div>
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I wrote this to process everything I feel. Most the time I can get out my feelings by tweeting or typing them out. Kinda therapeutic like music. <br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-83688888946741235532012-11-11T13:11:00.000-08:002012-11-11T13:16:49.200-08:00HAPPY VETERANS DAY!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've had a lot of things going on and just too much really on my mind to put into words. Not all good unfortunately. But I hope things look up. I wanted to make a special blog today for the men and women who serve our country. We take the freedom we have in this country for granted. I've noticed it more through this election. Some ignorant and stupid and racist remarks were made towards both candidates and still are towards our President. People saying we are losing our freedom. Really? Because if we did people who make the comments they have towards the President wouldn't be able to say those things.<br />
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I never really gave much empathizes on Veteran's Day before. Sure I always supported our troops and was grateful for them fighting but until I started dating an American soldier I never really gave it more thought on just how special they are. They risk their lives on the front lines for us and many have died for us. And I do hate to hear people now talk crap about them Like they are murderers and they don't support them for killing other people in other countries. But do people not realize they are DEFENDING and portecting us?</div>
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If they didn't fight these people what do you think would happen to YOUR way of life. Me as a woman would lose all my rights also. I don't want to go back to being property of my husband or having TO obey anything he says. Although I think mine would rather be in jail than have me obey him lol. I like voting and being able to work. </div>
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I think we should always thank a military person whenever we can, not just one day of the year. They truly have a hard job, one of the hardest in the world. I couldn't do it, I admit. I hear other military wives claim WE have the hard job, no we really don't. We get to stay home and be with our families and go about our lives while they are away from ALL their loved ones and risking their lives everyday to make sure we are protected and safe. The waiting and being away from him sucks ass for me big time. It really is one of the hardest things I have to do and yes hurts, BUT it is NOT the same as what they do. I'm approaching having to deal with him being in Korea for a year without me. And I went through a range of emotions at first. I broke down. Cried. Got angry. Even angry at him. But I also realized that he's not like most soldiers either. He had a choice: either Korea or Afghanistan again and he knew I wouldn't handle him being deployed so he chose Afghanistan. Had he had a choice HOME is where he would've been, stateside with me and his family. NO WHERE else. A lot of military men want to be deployed and look forward to it, mine doesn't now. He rather be with his loved ones more. But they are government property and have to do what the government says. But I have faith we can make it cause we have already been through so much. </div>
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SOO REMEMBER::::</div>
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And to end this I will post some pics of my fave veteran. Don't think he quite realizes how special he is to me. </div>
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Hopefully I won't wait as long next time to blog!!!</div>
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EVERYONE HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY</div>
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Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-324666571577108712012-08-28T23:37:00.001-07:002012-08-28T23:51:43.926-07:00Dumb Ass CommentsI was gonna write about something else altogether but after reading some comments from ignorant people I thought I'd save the other post for later. First off, I haven't blogged lately because I've been in a not so great mood for the last week and a half. I have been literally a bitch to anyone who does care about me, thinking I'm gonna loose them anyway so why not just go on and get rid of them? It will save myself a whole lot more pain. Has it gotten better the last 24 hours? Not really, still a HUGE work in progress which I will touch on in my next entry. Also nightmares and panic attacks have gotten worse. Not too good right now with dealing with them. But I'll hopefully get onto those subjects tomorrow, I feel they need to get out.<br />
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What I wanted to rant about is stupid comments people Men and even women make about sexual assault and suicide who have no clue what they are talking about.<br />
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This is what some people need to do when it comes to the stupid comments they make. Like take Rep Todd Akin's stupid comments last week about sexual assault:<br />
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In a stunning display of misinformation, sexism and chutzpah,
anti-choice Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) said that, from what he
understands, “legitimate rape” rarely results in pregnancy, because
women’s bodies can somehow stop it from happening.<br />
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Um...where did he get his "facts" from? Also, He made a comment that only "the poor, or certain types of women can be assaulted." Again I wanna know where he gets his info from. I've heard the last stereotype from other people also. Let me clear something up: ANYBODY can be assaulted even males. Doesn't matter if you are skinny or have a certain body type. I'm 5'0 or 5'1 and more of a hour glass figure and yes I'm top heavy but also I have heard of a really skinny, flat chested woman being assaulted also. So those miss information need to be straightened out. It is about control, NOT sex. It has also made me more controlling than I need to be cause I want control back. I don't want ANYONE telling me what I can and cannot do now, hell it's even hard for me to take advice.<br />
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Also to Akin's ignorant comment: Most victims go and get the morning after pill which does have a 98% rate to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. But NO our bodies DO not stop it from happening. I mean really you think it says "oh no that's not right so we will stop a baby from being conceived." If that was the case, then women who weren't sexually assaulted and had unprotected sex their bodies would also do the same Statistics back up the obvious: Womens’ bodies don’t have some magical antidote to rapist sperm, and rape <i>can</i> result in pregnancy.. I am pro -life to an extreme but I have to say his comments were very appalling. And Ryan the running VP isn't much better with backing Akin up. You guys don't help the Pro-life side idiots!! A <a class="external" href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8765248" target="_blank">1996 medical study</a>
found that more than 32,000 pregnancies result from rape every year in
the U.S. Akin, Winder and other extreme anti-choicers should know the
facts before espousing their ludicrous ideology.<br />
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Also Ryan acts like he doesn't care about the incest or SA victim who becomes pregnant at all,,,like they are at fault also. That is also a problem with society today. It's why most assault crimes are NOT reported. We are made to feel like the wrong one, like we are wrong. We already have so much shame anyway and pain, and people who are supposed to protect us basically calls us a liar, yeah not gonna help other victims come forward. I can't blame a victim for not pressing charges. Ryan also said that to leave the abortion law where only SA or incest vics can have an abortion could cause women to lie about being assaulted in order to obtain one. That is also a problem as it is: victims are not believed anyway.<br />
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Things need to change on this..honestly I don't see much has changed in the laws on sexual assault and how it is handled in the last few years after researching statistics. The sexual assault rate is higher actually, why is that? Maybe if cops did their jobs and politicians tried to work harder at protecting the vics than we could lower the rate! And people need to stop saying stupid things like: it was just rough sex, or they asked for it or the cops ask "are you sure it was forced!" If you have experienced REAL sexual assault YOU KNOW it was forced! It's something they couldn't handle.<br />
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And just like some people claim some people cry assault for attention people claim people cry suicide for attention. I have a cousin who committed suicide, and I can say I've felt like it myself. I also can't stand to see people on facebook or twitter or even in life tell someone to go kill themselves. You DO NOT know what that person is going through so that is something YOU NEVER say to another person even as a joke. Also there is always some truth to someone talking about suicide. they need to know someone needs them and wants them in their life. Being encouraging and loving and supportive is a way to help. NEVER say they are pathetic either for wanting to commit suicide. That is something that can push them over because they already feel worthless and like their life doesn't mean anything.<br />
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helpful numbers:<br />
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<div>
<b><span style="font-size: small;">Rape Crisis 1.800.656.HOPE
(4673)</span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: small;">Self Injury 1.800.DON'T.CUT
(366-8288)</span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: small;">Suicide Hotline 1.800.SUICIDE
(784.2433)</span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Domestic
Violence 1.800.799.SAFE </span><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">(7233)</span></span></b></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Gay & Lesbian
1.800.THE.GLNH</b></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b> (843.4564)</b></span></span></span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I seem to rant on and on so I'll end this blog on this note. In the next few ones I'll get into distancing and pushing loved ones away and even abusive relationships. I feel NO MAN ever has a right no matter what a woman does to put his hands on her. Ever even as "discipline" or for her "own good". All I'm gonna say for now on that is my man knows I wouldn't tolerate it, he doesn't want to be in control or think it is his right to be in control. And it can lead into abuse in some relationships which that person should call the above hotline. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>For insight on a secondary survivor's point of view on these subjects and more info visit: </b></span></span></span><span class="style1"></span><a href="http://realjasonyoung.blogspot.com/2012/08/14-18-aug-2012-days-16-20-of-my-own-30.html">this amazing post</a> by Someone who is very special to me but puts up with a lot of my shit and has had to learn ways to deal with me.</div>
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Until next time:<br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-56095165009447093762012-08-14T00:26:00.002-07:002012-08-14T00:30:41.214-07:00A Long Rant on Being in the Dark Tunnel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is one of the reasons I put up walls. Even before I was assaulted, I had major trust issues which were due to having crappy exes. Every guy I dated just messed me over. Either only wanted one thing from me and dumped me when they didn't get it or tried to control me or verbally abused me and physically abused me or just left me. Friends have betrayed me..in some way. So I have felt like this:<br />
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So when J talks about being my light in the darkness, I want to believe he can be because in a lot of ways he has been, but I'm afraid. I have been looking for that light for so long now and I just can't seem to find it at all. </div>
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Yeah I feel like someone is screwing with me, playing a sick game and leaving me all alone in the tunnel after showing me some little speck of light. Some days I feel better, I can tune out my pain. But when my thoughts get overwhelming, I just can't and everything just pushes me back in the dark. And if I'm gonna be completely honest here, the distance when I can't be with him makes things sooo much worse. </div>
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I will never ever bash a "civilian" marriage or relationship like I do see some military spouses do and say mine is better or more superior than anyone else's. But I'm gonna say they aren't easy. And when you have stuff like we have had to deal with my baggage, it's kind of harder in my opinion. </div>
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I do agree with the above statement. And I get mad at myself at times because I feel like I depend on him way too much. Like I can't sleep now unless I somehow hear him or SEE him. And to not have the touch is very hard and gets to me at times. When my panic attacks hit, and I see my friends with their bfs or husbands I get lonely or mad that we aren't also physically together. But we have a bond better than what they have I will admit. In some ways I feel like we are closer. Is it because of the distance or he's in the military, I don't really think so. On a really bad day, sometimes when I've pushed him away to the point I refuse to talk to him, I've tried to act like I don't care and that I'm perfectly fine alone and I have everything under control. </div>
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I say this so much and sometimes I believe it because I want to make myself believe it but I get mad at my family that they just accept it. They don't push me to talk..I don't know if I'm that good at just pretending or they just don't care to know. A lot of times I will say it and stay on my own and not let anyone really help me, but deep down I know I'm dying. I try to do things myself to help me feel better and very little will work for me.</div>
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I've done that so many times. I've sat on the floor of shower and just had a breakdown. Sometimes it has helped but a lot of times it just made me feel worse and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I did it alone and no one knew so they could comfort me. I have a hard time showing I need someone or want someone. I feel like it makes me weak. To me being strong means I don't cry when I can't have someone next to me holding me. But being alone sucks so bad and the distance I feel literally feels like it's killing me. So it makes me close myself off to not get close so I don't feel that pain. Even if it's acting like I don't care about him or anyone. To me as long as I don't feel the pain of it I'll be ok and can deal. </div>
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My all time favorite quote, because I think it's true and for the most part he is doing this. But my problem is I still have it in my head that every guy is the same even when they are romantic, loving and amazing. I feel that they will change and I'll just get hurt or left. I also need to let go of the tainted view I have of myself that I am not clean or deserving of love after what happened. Something I've never admitted to him or anyone is when I'm really down and I feel really alone I do touch his dog tags I always have around my neck to try and feel closer. But sometimes that doesn't really help me. <br />
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I used to think that was the reason for our connection but I think it goes beyond that now. But even with that bond I still feel like I need to protect myself and not let anyone in. I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again when I'm left all alone.<br />
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I know I need to let down my walls completely and for good, but I can't seem to. I really hope one day I can stop the pushing and learn to maybe lean on him and anyone who truly wants to help me and let go of my fears. But I don't know how or when that will be. But I do know no matter how bitchy and moody and depressed I've been or how cold and harsh I was:</div>
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-47987569986419032632012-08-08T20:14:00.000-07:002012-08-09T00:13:03.505-07:00Moods and InsecuritiesBefore my being attacked, I think I was a more positive person. It took a lot to get me mad or worried. My mom used to get pretty freaked out whenever we had a bad storm, even just a tornado watch and it actually used to annoy me. I was the type that didn't see any need in worrying about things we couldn't change like storms. I mean why worry about something we can't stop? If a tornado is gonna hit we can't exactly sprinkle a magic barrier to stop it..but we can yes be prepared. I didn't even used to worry too much about bills, I paid them but they didn't stress me as bad. But after my attacks and abusive ex, I just let everything get to me. Then J tries to cheer me up and get me to be positive and I throw back "what is there to be positive about?" Which hurts him because he is thinking "OK well I'm sorry I'm not something for you to be positive about." And he is, he is the main thing that keeps me going at times. But I also feel like I'm a burden on him because he helps me and I seem like I'm crying more than anything. My older sister didn't help when she told me the other day that he would eventually get tired of it and leave me. I'd like to help him more than I do, and it makes me sad I can't right now. Makes me feel helpless and after everything that happened I can't stand to feel helpless at all. <br />
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I realized as much as I am very independent and would love to be able to get through these tough times on my own, I can't. I am the type who hates to ask for help. It makes me feel weak. Also with things that have happened, I just don't understand how I can still be loved or wanted I guess by a man. Especially since he knows a lot of the details unfortunately that happened, I feel like how can he still want me knowing what happened? And then there's things that trigger me and I have to work on my panic attacks to the triggers. He and my friends have to be careful what they say or I could go into a panic attack and then I feel worse. Why should they have to walk on eggshells around me?<br />
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The other night, he said something that triggered me, he didn't mean to. Didn't realize it would have triggered me. He did his best to try and help me, but it took more to get me calmed down. Because I was mad at myself for being upset and being triggered I took it out on him. He made a comment that sometimes it doesn't seem good enough some things he does. I felt even worse because I didn't mean to make him feel like that. When I'm like that, is the main times I push him away. I feel like he's better off without me and my "baggage". So I go into my cold mode. He has proved he loves me cause he hasn't left in my worst moods. But I don't like making him feel down but my insecurities get the best of me and I don't control how I act or think in the moment. And then sometimes I'm ashamed to say I want him to feel my pain exactly how I feel it. He says he doesn feel it but I say he can't possibly know. <br />
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I have like caramel brown hair and green eyes, I used to consider myself cute but now, I don't exactly like myself at all. Whenever he tells me I look amazing and beautiful and when the way he looks at me with those deep blue eyes, I want to believe it. My ex's verbal abuse didn't help with my insecurites either. <br />
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I try and post things on my twitter that can help me know how I feel and sometimes that does help. I fake a smile and act ok 98% of the time. Faking gets hard. Supressing things you don't want to remember doesn't help in the long run but I rather not think about the pain. I've turned to alcohol at times, self harm and really they only numb the pain. So hopefully, at some point I can get through my horrible insecurities and win back what they stole from me. <br />
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I don't even know if this blog post went exactly where I wanted it to, and I had a few things I was gonna get out but I think I will save them for my next post because they are their own topic. In closing I'll post a positive qoute to try and help myself.</div>
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That's most definately something I need to start doing. </div>
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<br /></div>Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096858523353603391.post-85358377978882734712012-08-06T23:55:00.003-07:002012-08-07T00:20:30.140-07:00Fear and an IntroductionI started this just to somehow get my thoughts out..I probably won't go into a lot of detail about some things because right now I don't have the courage. But I do know this last year has not been the best and I'm somehow trying to make sense of it. I learned the world isn't the greatest but also when things happen you do find out who your true friends are. Positivity is hard for me to find right now, I used to be able to find it so easy but now it's tough. In short, I got out of an abusive relationship, fell in love somehow with an amazing man but I just can't let myself open up fully because of my fears. I use every excuse as to why we won't work: his job (he's in the Army), my ex, his ex (who now likes me go figure), if I get a job, my baggage. But in the end it's all about Fear. I fear a lot of things. I fear getting too close and loosing people, I fear being hurt again. I turn cold and push him away even though I KNOW it will hurt him because I feel like it's protecting myself from being hurt.<br />
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But ironically we have a bond where I can't hide too much. Somehow we kind of know when the other is down or hurt, or in trouble. He has described my pain and feelings at time to a T, and that's weird at times. He was pissed cause of something at work once and I knew before I talked to him. Thing is I was assaulted a week and a half after we got together..so we were thrown a huge obstacle early on. Can't say how he felt about it, except I knew he was angry I heard it. I was afraid to tell what happened for fear of how he would see me. I didn't want to tell anyone actually. I just wanted it to have been a bad dream. The guy who did it was caught and went to jail, but his brother was pissed and the attacks got worse. Something else I'll have to actually get the courage up to talk about. I don't know right now if actually talking about it will help. I feel like I should just keep it all inside and pretend it never happened. Too many people have also claimed we should change our relationship and he should control me and cause me pain. I don't understand that. I just don't understand how anyone can cause physical pain on someone they claim to love. Which is something I will have to talk about later.<br />
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I also don't get how anyone can want to cause the worse pain on another human being. I'm still trying to make sense of things. I know a part of me has died and I am not the same woman I was 4 months ago. He's tried telling me nothing is my fault and how amazing and beautiful I am and strong but I don't see it. All I feel is damaged and tainted and ashamed and less than others. Depression has taken over lately and I can't climb out of my hole. It sucks. The morning messages he leaves and songs he plays and sings and the now random sweet texts and stuff do help, but I just can't see myself as worthy right now so I push him out. Hopefully I can stop that. I will finish this tomorrow. I know this has been rather long and all over the place. In closing I found a poem that describes a lot of how I feel. Thanks if anyone got this far.<br />
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Still I show No Pain<br />
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I don’t scream<br />
I don’t show no fear<br />
I show hate<br />
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My face was burning<br />
I wanted to die<br />
Pleasure themselves <br />
But torture me<br />
I don’t cry<br />
<br />
Not giving them the satisfaction<br />
Smacked around<br />
Beat down<br />
Still I show now pain<br />
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Harder and Harder<br />
Still I show no pain<br />
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Cursing<br />
Still I show no pain<br />
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Inside me<br />
Still I show no pain<br />
<br />
About 2 hours<br />
Felt like a life time<br />
Everything they hoped for they didn’t get<br />
<br />
Until I got home<br />
I cried my eyes out<br />
<br />
In the shower<br />
I cried my eyes out<br />
<br />
On my bed<br />
I cried my eyes out<br />
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Best friends shoulder<br />
I cried my eyes out<br />
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When ever I think about it<br />
I cry my eyes out<br />
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When someone touches me<br />
I feel it again<br />
Until I’m aware that its someone I love<br />
And I grow comfortable again<br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00250541453896198834noreply@blogger.com8